Supporting siblings of neurodivergent children

Seen, heard and loved: Supporting siblings of neurodivergent children

By Dr. Nicole Carvill, Psychologist – BA(Hons) PhD MAPS

In families with a neurodivergent child, siblings often become quiet experts in adapting.

They love fiercely, support instinctively, and carry big feelings that deserve space—not just to settle, but to be heard and held.

Hugh van Cuylenburg spoke to this reality in his viral video, saying, “The heartache is seeing the impact on the siblings. They adore them, they love them, and yet, so often, they are left hurt and confused. So often, they are the ones who have to wait. Wait for our attention while we help their sibling through a meltdown. Wait for plans to change because the world is too much that day. Wait for the fairness that sometimes doesn’t come, because in our house, fairness doesn’t always mean equal, it means doing whatever we need to do to keep them safe.”

Hugh’s words strike a chord with many families. Because behind the daily efforts to support neurodivergent children lies another story: the sibling experience. One filled with deep love, loyalty and pride, but also confusion, grief and waiting. This blog is for them.

It’s here to honour the lived experiences of children growing up alongside a neurodivergent sibling. To name the challenges, recognise the strengths and offer gentle guidance to parents who are trying to meet everyone’s needs, often all at once.

What it feels like

Siblings of neurodivergent children often live with a tangle of emotions:

Fierce love and admiration
Strong protectiveness
Frustration at unpredictability
Confusion around behavioural differences
Guilt for feeling angry, or for having it “easier”

Dr. Nicole Carvill, Psychologist and founder of Think Psychologists, shares her own reflection: “As a child, I witnessed both kids and adults respond cruelly to my disabled brother Jason. Sometimes it was direct, name-calling, teasing, or mockery. Other times it was more subtle, like moving away from us in public or eye-rolling at the sound of his loud voice. Jason was the kindest soul, and yet, he was constantly targeted. It shaped how I saw the world, and lit the fire in me for fairness and social justice. It’s a big part of why I do what I do today.”

The challenges siblings face

While every family dynamic is unique, there are patterns that emerge in siblings of neurodivergent children. Some common challenges include:

Feeling invisible or left out
Trouble coping with sudden changes or cancelled plans
Separation anxiety, especially around drop-offs
Difficulty concentrating or following instructions
Heightened anxiety or emotional sensitivity
Impulsive behaviour or acting out
Feeling embarrassed in social settings
Struggling to understand or explain their sibling’s needs

Nicole explains, “I think the first step is acknowledging and validating the sibling experience. When parents do this, it can change everything. It helps reduce the shame siblings might feel around their more difficult emotions, and it opens up honest communication, which is invaluable.”

What can help

Support doesn’t always need to be complex or time-consuming. Often, it’s the small, consistent actions that make the biggest difference.

Express delight: Smile, make eye contact, and let your child know they’re seen.
Notice the quiet contributions: Take time to notice the small things they do, even if they don’t say them out loud.
Name their effort: Acknowledge when they’ve waited patiently or helped out.
Create rituals: An afternoon check-in, a private handshake, or a shared hot chocolate can offer a sense of connection and predictability. Be mindful not to stir up too many big emotions just before bedtime.
Give space for big feelings: Let them know it’s okay to feel angry, jealous, or confused.

Ally Arentz, a trauma-informed social worker at Think Psychologists, explains:

“Attachment is built in the small moments, and when things don’t go to plan (because they often won’t), it’s the repair that counts. A quiet ‘I’m sorry I was a bit cranky today’ or ‘Tell me what you wanted to say earlier’ goes a long way.”

And beyond the home, connection matters too. Fostering community connections through targeted programs and camps can bring siblings together for fun, support, and shared understanding.

How comfort zones can help

“When plans change or things feel out of control, it helps to validate how hard that is,” says Ally. Giving siblings small choices can return a sense of control, like choosing what to do while waiting. “That little moment of agency matters,” she adds.

She also highlights how unpredictability can be deeply unsettling for kids, adding, “You’re never going to eliminate uncertainty, but you can help kids build tolerance for it. Practising in ‘amber zone’ moments, those that are mildly uncomfortable but manageable, can build confidence over time.”

The three comfort zones

Ally explains that children often move between three broad zones:

🟢Green zone: Where kids feel calm, safe and regulated. Activities are familiar and predictable.

🟠Amber zone: A middle ground. Slightly uncomfortable but still manageable. For example, visiting a busy place they’ve been before, or navigating a slightly different routine with support.

🔴Red zone: Where kids are overwhelmed and likely to shut down or act out. This might look like emotional meltdowns, withdrawal or panic.

Supporting siblings in the amber zone with tools like deep breaths, fidget toys, or a familiar phrase can build their capacity to handle uncertainty gradually, without pushing them into distress.

Nicole adds, “Spotting this isn’t always easy in siblings, they’re often highly skilled at pushing down their own feelings. It’s important to notice the micro-behaviours that may indicate dysregulation, like being quieter than usual, glassy eyes, hypervigilance or being easily startled. These subtle cues matter.”

The strengths that grow

While the challenges are real, strengths can also grow from the experience. Many siblings develop:

A strong sense of empathy and compassion
A deep understanding of difference and inclusion
An early sense of maturity and responsibility
A fierce drive to advocate for others

These are not outcomes we should expect or rely on. But they are part of the picture. And with the right support, they can bloom without leaving other needs unmet.

The Good Enough Parenting model

Developed by paediatrician and psychoanalyst Donald Winnicott, the Good Enough Parenting model reminds us that children don’t need perfect parents. They need consistent, responsive ones.

Nicole and the Think team often refer to this idea when supporting families. “The key message is to be kind to yourself.” Nicole reinforces. “You won’t get it right all the time – none of us do. But if you’re aware and trying the best you can, then that’s enough.”

Secure attachment is built through connection and repair, not perfection.

“There will be ruptures, moments where you snap, forget, or miss the mark. That’s okay. It’s the coming back that matters,” adds Ally.

Ways to support siblings

Communication and understanding are incredibly important when it comes to supporting siblings of neurodivergent children. These ideas can make a meaningful difference:

Talk openly about their sibling’s diagnosis, using age-appropriate language
Acknowledge their unique relationship, feelings and identity
Offer dedicated one-on-one time, even in small pockets
Celebrate their achievements as individuals
Involve them in solutions, not just demands
Consider sibling support groups or counselling when needed

“Don’t always assume you know what the problem is… because sometimes we get it wrong.” Nicole shares. “Ask them what they would like to be different and then work from there.”

And if you’re unsure, know that support is available. The Think Parent Support Program offers one-off consultations with experienced psychologists, social workers and OTs to help you make sense of strategies and navigate a helpful path forward.

There’s room for everyone

Siblings often share a bond that lasts a lifetime. For children growing up alongside a neurodivergent brother or sister, the experience can be complex, full of meaning, challenge and growth.

It’s important to make them feel seen, to show that their experiences matter and that their courage is not forgotten. With gentle support and attuned parenting, every child in the family can feel safe, seen and valued.

If you’d like to learn more about how we can support your family, you can register your interest online or book a one-off problem-solving session through our Parent Support Program.

For a broader reflection on the emotional journey of parenting a neurodivergent child—including grief, advocacy, and hope—you might also find our blog Navigating the challenges and triumphs of neurodivergent parenting helpful.

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